Self- Injury Awareness Day

Today, March the 1st,  is Self-Injury Awareness Day. Although I have not been that active on this blog for a while now, I am posting this in order to demonstrate my support for the recognition of today and the importance of such a good cause.

[Eyeliner & Felt Tip Pen]

Though I do not claim to possess all the answers as why people self-harm, including myself, I am most certainly committed to use all the knowledge and experience I do have to raise awareness of this behaviour and all of its implications, along with helping people stop.

I'm fine

When asked how you are doing or how you are feeling, and you are feeling low, it is often much easier just to respond by saying "I'm OK" or "I'm fine" but a psychologist I met recently has given me a new interpretation of what we are really saying when we say that we are fine...

I am

F-fucked up
I-insecure
N-neurotic
E-emotional

Broken heart...Broken body

[Lipstick and Eyeliner]

When you're feeling vulnerable, just think...

It may be easy to cause damage to yourself, but it isn't easy to remove it.

Keep battling on

It has been a number of months now that I have been feeling very strongly about wanting medical treatment for my scars. Not only because I hate the way the look, but because they also cause me a great deal of pain and discomfort. I have tried many of the over-the-counter creams and serums that are supposed to help reduce the appearance of scars, though personally, I have not found them to make much difference. That may be partly due to the fact that you have to use them for quite a long period time for them to have any effect, but considering how expensive most of these products are, it has been very difficult for me to find the money to be able to afford to buy them on a regular basis. There is also evidence to suggest that collagen light therapy, which is available at most sunbed salons (don’t worry, no UV rays involved!) will help scars fade at a faster rate. But that can be pricey too.

Having tried both of these options, which have proved to be rather ineffective, I grow increasingly frustrated and upset about having to live with my scars the way they are at the moment. I have spoken to various professionals about my scars in terms of the way they look and how much discomfort they cause me and asked about what treatments might be available to help with these things. I have had a mixture of contradictory responses which only adds to my frustration and upset. I have been told by a previous GP that I should see a dermatologist because there are treatments that would be beneficial; however, the GP that I see currently met my request for a referral to a dermatologist with a harsh, insensitive and patronising response, telling me that nothing could be done to help me. I explained to my GP how much my quality of life is affected by my scars, how they prevent me from being a part of certain social situations, how they dictate the way I can and cannot dress, the way they make me feel when I see them, how they make it so much more difficult to break the cycle of self-harm.  It has been about 2 months now since I last self-harmed, which is a long time after having spent the last 9 months visiting A & E pretty much once a week, but I feel as though I am living the same life as I was when I was self-harming every day. Learning to accept your scars IS a very big part of recovery, however, I feel like by being refused the treatment that I need to be able to get my life back on track is a punishment for what I have done. Is the pain and damage that I have caused myself not punishment enough?

My GP is not the only professional to express such unsympathetic opinions. I am very sad to say that some mental health specialists have been equally ignorant when it comes to self-harm and living with scars and, very recently, I was told that the fact that I still need support from the mental health service means that I am not ready for any type of treatment to reduce the appearance of my scars. I find this logic completely baffling. I have managed not to self-harm for 2 months and I do not know what more I can do to prove that I want to be well again and free from self-harm. My scars will always be with me, and always be a part of me, but I wish that they were less visible so that I don’t have to feel disgusted with myself every time I see my body.

If a professional doesn’t agree with you when you try to tell them how you are feeling and what you feel would be best for you, don’t give up. They don’t know how you feel, only you know that, and if they don’t listen when you try to tell them, keep trying. After all, they may have a wealth of knowledge about how people who self-harm are supposed to feel and the reasons why people do it, but they will never have the same knowledge and understanding as somebody who has lived through it. I know that having treatment to reduce the appearance of my scars will have a hugely positive impact on my life and my journey to recovery and I going to keep telling the professionals that until they listen. 

How I feel when I look in the mirror...

[Lipstick]

You cannot see it, but...

[ Stamps and Ink]

There is so much pain in my heart.

The more time I spend thinking and talking about my self-harm, the more it seems to make sense to me.

As I have said before, I believe that you need to be able to understand the reasons why you self-harm before you are able to challenge them.

I am normally a very articulate person, I have a lot of opinions and I am almost always able to explain them to others. The problem lies with feelings and emotions, and my inability to express them most of the time, especially when the emotion I am feeling is pain.

I have never been able to tell people when I feel emotional pain and I feel as though my self-harm and self-harm in general, is often a physical representation of the emotional pain that we find near impossible to express.

For some reason, people who self-harm seem to believe that hurting themselves physically will relieve the emotional pain that they feel inside, but in my opinion, and my own experience, that pain, that heartache, will remain whether you hurt yourself or not. 

[Lipstick]

When there are voices inside your head telling you to hurt yourself try not to listen to them. At the time they feel so powerful and like they will never go away, but they will. If you can distract yourself and keep yourself occupied, put your fingers in your ears and say 'I'm not listening' then the feelings will subside. They probably won't go away completely but you will be in a better position to rationalise and keep yourself safe. It really is worth a try. 

Who decides what is beautiful?

I do not think that I am a shallow person, but I do care about the way I look, and I would argue that everybody does to a certain extent. It matters to some people more than others, and different individuals have different opinions about what is attractive and what isn't, whether that is internally or externally. But I think that deep down everybody would like to consider themselves to be attractive.

I am not sure if I have ever believed myself to be attractive....

I know that in the past other people have considered me to be attractive, in terms of the way I look, but I find it much harder to recall many occasions where people have complimented me on my personality and found that part of me to be attractive. For me, personality is far more important to me than looks and I want people to love me because of my personality, not because of the way I look.

Having said that, I feel that I will find it increasingly difficult to consider myself to be physically attractive now that I have caused such damage to my body. I know that the majority of my scars, despite the fact they will fade, will remain very visible for a long time. I am terrified that my scars will hold me back in life and prevent me meeting somebody to share my life with which is something I want most desperately. 

It is very interesting hearing about how other self-harmers feel about their scars. I know that some people really embrace their scars, are fully comfortable with them and are not afraid or ashamed of exposing them, because they believe that they represent an inner strength, and an ability to get through rough times which makes them feel proud. There is a big part of me that feels that way too. Whilst I do not advocate self-harm to be a positive coping strategy, it has been my way of keeping myself alive and I am proud of myself for getting through some of my more negative life experiences. Nevertheless, I cannot help but worry about how my scars might impact on the rest of my life. 

In my opinion, the journey to acceptance of your scars is probably as long and as tough as the journey to stop harming yourself in the first place, but I truly believe we will all get there someday.

Scars may not be conventionally beautiful, whatever that means, but having come out the other side of whatever triggered us to self-harm makes us all beautiful people. 

Trying hard to stay afloat

Is there a link between self-harm and tattoos?

I was watching TV the other night, and something came up that really resonated with me. The programme featured a young woman who was covered in tattoos and body piercings, and questions were being asked about why it was she was covering her body in tattoos and what they meant to her. I know some people would consider tattoos a form of self-harm, and in some ways I agree, although I am not 100% convinced on the matter. I am somebody who self-harms and I also have tattoos and whilst the reasons why I self-harm and the reasons why I choose to have tattoos are very different, I do believe that there are similarities.  The young woman on this programme felt that the function of her tattoos was to regain ownership of her body because somebody else had damaged her body in a way that was out of her control. This I can relate to. Other people have done things to my body that I did not wish to happen and I was out of control of. Some people claim that tattoos do not hurt…I would claim that they do, however, it is a pain that is bearable. Why? Because it is a pain that you are choosing to inflict on yourself. This is the similarity I would draw with self-harm. Self-harm is often used to inflict physical pain on oneself when the emotional pain you are experiencing is impossible to express and impossible to control, so you take control of the situation by inflicting physical pain on yourself. People might say that I am not the sort of person to have tattoos, but, as far as I am concerned, if I feel the need to be in control of my body by marking it permanently, I would rather be marking my body with ink in a way that I consider beautiful, rather than cutting myself to shreds. 

I wish that I could bottle the feeling of relief that accompanies resisting the urges to self-harm. That way we could all take it when we are feeling strong destructive urges, to remind ourselves how good it feels NOT to self-harm.

It will happen if you want it enough...

In my experience, in order to recover from mental illness you have to really want to…

I have suffered from anorexia, depression and emotionally unstable personality disorder, and self-injury and other forms of self-harm has been a product of these conditions. I have had hours and hours of therapy, and as a teenager I spent over a year of my life in and out of an inpatient specialized eating disorders unit where at times I had to be supervised 24 hours a day. My admission to this particular unit saved my life, and was a crucial part of my recovery from anorexia; however, the real recovery happened when I made a firm decision that I wanted my life back and I wanted to get better. After being discharged from the unit I would be back every time my weight dropped below my target weight and I ended up being re-admitted twice. After being discharged for the third time it wasn’t long until my weight dropped quite significantly but, surprisingly, my local mental health services decided not to have me admitted again. I was shocked. Not that I wanted to go back to the unit, but after so long that was what I knew, and that is what I had expected would happen. When it didn’t I was thrown in at the deep end and was forced to take control of my anorexia. I could either let it destroy me or I could try my best to fight it. This was, without a doubt, one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I did it. I believe that I was successful because I developed my own ways of coping and living with my illness. I had to be in control of my actions. I was no longer in a hospital where the control was completely taken away from me and this proved to be beneficial. I am not suggesting that spending time in a specialized hospital in unhelpful because it can be extremely helpful and sometimes it is absolutely necessary…as I said, it saved my life. There have certainly been times over the past year when I have been struggling so much with depression and self-harm (both drinking and cutting) that I have desperately wanted somebody to say to me ‘Right, that’s it, we’re going to have to take you away and take control now’. That has not happened and I don’t believe that it will happen (adult mental health services are VERY different to child and adolescent services) so again, it has been down to me to keep myself safe. That is not to say I have been suffering alone or without support, but at the end of the day it is down to ME to keep myself safe and it is down to ME to make the necessary changes in order to get better. 

Unfortunately, I know how difficult it can be, when your mood is low and you are suffering from depression, to find the energy and enough of a reason to want to get better, but don't give up, recovery IS possible if you want it enough.

I'm not bleeding...

[Nail varnish]

But I'm still hurting....

Ask Yourself Why?

When I started writing this blog I truly felt like I had finally identified the reason(s) why self-harm had reared its ugly head in my life again, and I understood how self-harm was functioning as a coping mechanism for me. This identification is, in my mind, the first step to recovery. I have always been a very self-aware individual and I have always wanted to understand why I think the way I think and behave in the ways in which I behave.  To begin with, using the blog to channel my urges to cut myself into something creative was an extremely successful way of relieving the anxiety and intense emotion that goes hand in hand with self-harm and also significantly reduced how frequently I was cutting, and how severe the cuts were. Some of my more realistic images, where I used red nail varnish to resemble blood, almost achieved the same sense of satisfaction (for want of a better word) and relief that are reached when you cut yourself.

Unfortunately, over the past 5 months, despite having kept up work on the blog, I have been less successful at preventing myself from self-harming and there have been numerous occasions where I have been unable to fight off the voices inside my head that encourage me to hurt myself. Having said that, I am not suggesting that the blog has not been a source of comfort, because it has, in many ways, but I think that I have come to understand that the reasons why people self-harm are very changeable,  from person to person, and even within individuals. I still believe that at the end of last year self-harm was functioning as a way of me visually representing the distress that I was feeling inside, which is why the blog was so helpful.  However, I believe that over time it is inevitable that self-harm will become a habitual behaviour, an addiction, making it so much more difficult to fight. For self-harm to be considered an addiction, like any other addiction, there needs to be an element of satisfaction or gain that is achieved when you engage in the behaviour whether that is a physiological gain or psychological gain.

When asked the question ‘What do I get from self-harming?’ I have not known the answer, and I have really struggled to think of any gain that I have acquired from cutting myself. The association I make with cutting myself is a strong sense of shame, guilt, embarrassment and anger, and certainly no sense of gain. Or so I thought…

Seeing as I was making very little progress on the self-harm front; my cuts were getting deeper and much more serious, my trips to A & E much more regular, I was forced to think really truthfully about why this was happening.  Recently I have known that if I do cut myself it will be serious enough to require medical attention, and if it hasn’t been severe enough to require stitches I have felt as though I have failed. I am aware of how warped and unhealthy this mind-set is which is precisely why I have tried so desperately hard to challenge it.  

When explaining these feelings to a mental health professional, whom I see on a regular basis, they made a connection that had never even crossed my mind, that self-harm was my way of reaching out for help from those around me, my way of saying ‘please look after me!’. By hurting myself to the point of needing immediate medical attention I was guaranteeing the delivery of care that I was so desperately longing for.

At first this suggestion made me feel uncomfortable, as I interpreted this suggestion to mean that I was cutting myself deliberately, conscious of its function, and that I could stop at any point if I wanted to. I was reassured that this was not the case, and the more we talked about it, the more it made sense. I have never really felt looked after, by anyone. That is not because I have been treated badly, just because there have been times in my life when I have needed to be taken care of, and it hasn't happened. As a result of this I just stopped expecting to be taken care of. I have never been particularly good at telling people when I need help; I guess I have always just wished that those close to me would just know when I am feeling vulnerable. Disappointingly, people are not mind readers, and it is our responsibility to assert when we need help.  I have invested a lot of effort into learning how to be better at this but I frequently get told that I need to be more transparent. Perhaps I have become trapped in this cycle of self-harm because, actually, cutting myself has proven to be an ‘easier’ way for me to establish that I need looking after. 

So, this has been yet another revelation for me on my journey to recovery and from this point onwards I am going to try my very hardest not to take the ‘easy’ way out and tell people when I need their help, and accept it when it is offered to me. 

A Picture of Self-destruction

[Eyeliner]

This is how I feel...

[Marker pen]

The more frequently you give in to urges to self-harm the more trapped you feel. Trapped in a vicious cycle. That has been my experience of self-harm anyway.
My urges to self-harm come from a destructive voice in my head that tells me that I need to cut myself, and when I listen to that voice the rational, healthy part of me has to live with the consequences. This can be extremely distressing and leads to feelings of guilt and shame, which in turn makes you want to punish yourself. So returns that powerful voice I so desperately wish to ignore, and the cycle begins again. 

[Acrylic Paint]

I like being good at things. Who doesn't, I suppose? 

During my life I have found myself to be 'good' at things that are both destructive and unhealthy....

This may seem like a really odd way of looking at things, but I believe that part of why I have found/am finding self harm so difficult to give up is because it is something I have become very 'good' at. I use the word good in inverted commas because self harm is by no means something I want to be good at, and so much of me is filled with guilt, shame and disappointment whenever I cut myself. Nevertheless, there is a very small  part of me that is almost congratulatory when I have self harmed to the point of needing medical attention because I have done a 'good' job. As terrifying as it is to admit this, over the last few months, I have only been satisfied if my wounds have been more serious than the ones before them, and having to have stitches has become some kind of achievement. I know how unhealthy these thoughts are and I desperately want to quieten the little voice in my head that tells me 'Well done' when I self harm. 

I would relate these feelings to feelings I experienced when I was suffering from anorexia, and in my opinion anorexia is another form of self harm. During that time losing weight was something that I was very good at, but the problem was I didn't  need to lose any weight. As every bit of food was avoided and every kilogram lost, I was overcome by a strong sense of achievement, but unfortunately with anorexia it doesn't matter how much weight you lose because it is never enough. 

Battling anorexia is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I did it. Yes, sometimes I can still hear that voice that tells me 'I need to lose weight' or 'You shouldn't eat that', but I am able to ignore them. 

There are times when I feel weak, but I know that I am strong and I WILL reach the point where I can ignore my urges to cut myself too. 

Would you do this to your clothes?

I know I wouldn't. However, I have spent the last 11 years doing exactly this to my body....
I think it is really hard for the people who love you to come to terms with the fact that you are able to harm your own body in such a way. How on earth can you explain a behaviour that you have accepted as being 'normal' to people who see it as something completely alien?

Talking openly about self harm, particularly to the people closest to you, can be extremely daunting. Up until a week ago nobody in my family knew about my most recent episode of self harm (the past 12 months or so) because I was too afraid to tell them. Too afraid to open up and let them in for fear that they would ask me questions that would make me feel uncomfortable, and that it would damage our relationship.
The situation I found myself in gave me no option to keep my self harm a secret any longer, and I told my Mum, the person I was most afraid of telling.
That may sound crazy but my relationship with my Mum is complicated. I feel very responsible for my Mum; her health, her well-being, her happiness. For most of my teenage years it was just her and I living together, which was really intense, and when she was diagnosed with cancer when I was 14 it felt like there was a complete role reversal. It was my responsibility to look after my Mum, and protect her from any further stress. So when things in my life became too much, and my mental health started to deteriorate, I kept it all inside and tried to deal with it on my own.
I suppose my need to deal with all my struggles alone never went away, which is why it was a massive step forward for me to have opened up to my Mum about my self harm. Over the last few months I have let my guard down and been much more open with people, and the results have been really positive.
Now some of my family know I do feel like a huge weight has lifted, and my recovery will be that much easier, but I still need to fight my tendency put walls up and just let my Mum be my Mum.

[Eyeliner]

I have to see my scars every time I get in the bath or shower, every time I get dressed or changed. Having to deal with your scars is one thing, having to deal with other peoples’ reactions and responses to your scars is another. I know that my scars don’t define or change the person that I am. I am still me and they are a part of me. I am in the process of learning to accept that. Whilst I am in control of my own feelings towards my scars, I cannot control what other people think or feel when then see my scars. I may be wrong about these opinions, due to my tendency to try and read peoples’ minds, but I am so afraid of people staring at me or the comments or questions I might get when people see my scars. As far as I am concerned, the cause of my scars is obvious and I can’t pretend that they are something else, even though I would love to. Part of me would love to pretend that my scars aren’t there…..Go out wearing a bikini with my arms and legs out like any other 22 year old would, but unfortunately I cannot, because I don’t doubt that people WOULD look at me.  My friends at University have asked me, when the sun has come out, “why don’t you take your jumper off?”, and I have replied by saying I am cold, or any excuse to not to have to remove my outer layer. Anyway, I don’t want to have to lie about the reasons why I cannot dress for summer like everyone else can but I do fear that acceptance and understanding of self-harm is still poor, and I really hope to help it improve.

Reach out

[Nail varnish]

Don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it.

Things aren't always black and white

[Tippex and eyeliner]

I strongly believe that in order to overcome the mental health difficulties I have experienced for half of my life, I need to better understand the way I think. I have learnt a great deal in the past 9 months, and despite a few setbacks I do feel as though I am getting there. Being more aware of the way I think and how that influences my mood makes me feel much more in control which decreases the anxiety and helplessness I have felt in the past.

I am in the process of accepting that things are not always black and white. This is a very common thinking distortion, but one that can have a massive impact on your mood. 

I have always striven to be perfect, and when I have felt that I cannot do something to the best of my ability or do it 'perfectly' I have not done it at all. My black and white, all or nothing, thinking has in the past made me believe that if I am not perfect then I must be terrible. Thinking like this can make you feel inadequate, because nobody will ever be 'perfect'... whatever perfect is?

The Road is Long

It's been a while since I last posted on here and I'm sorry about that. To be honest, that has been because I have struggled a lot over the last few weeks and experienced a bit of a setback. Whilst part of me has really wanted to blog about this more difficult period, I have avoided doing so out of guilt over the fact that I am keeping a blog about ways to recover from self-harm yet I have been unable to overcome my own urges to self-harm.

I have decided that I needn't feel that way and I should be sharing my entire journey. The setbacks and the steps forward. 

I am sure that individuals who self-harm/have self-harmed will relate when I say that you can feel like a failure when you self-harm after a long period of not doing it. I have felt that way myself in the past and it normal to feel that way, but I do think we should not be so hard on ourselves.
This post is not license to hurt yourself and then convince yourself that it's OK because it's just a minor setback. What I am trying to say is that the road to recovery from self-harm is a long one. Probably a slow one with lots of ups and downs too, but we can all get there and find a way to channel these urges into other things.
When you experience a setback, do not think that you have failed, you haven't. My advice would be to use it as motivation to keep fighting. That is what I am going to do.

[Nail varnish]

There is nothing glamorous about self-harm. I find it so difficult to find things to wear when I go out with my friends, things that are appropriate for a night out, but things that cover my scars. I am scared that this is going to get so much harder as it starts to get warmer. Come summer I am going to really struggle to dress in a way that covers my scars but doesn’t draw attention to the fact that I am trying to hide something. Even when I am around people who know about my self-harm and my scars, I do not want to parade around with them on show.

I often feel when I do go out, dressed like any other young woman I know, I am putting on a mask. Putting on a glamorous façade that conceals the sadness and pain I feel when I see my scars. Whilst it feels great to cover up my scars, pretend like they don't exist, and carry on like everybody else, I am so afraid of what people might think when the cover of glamour has gone and what's left is the reality of the damage I have caused to my body.

  

Self-harm: A silent addiction

[Biro]