This is how I feel...

[Marker pen]

The more frequently you give in to urges to self-harm the more trapped you feel. Trapped in a vicious cycle. That has been my experience of self-harm anyway.
My urges to self-harm come from a destructive voice in my head that tells me that I need to cut myself, and when I listen to that voice the rational, healthy part of me has to live with the consequences. This can be extremely distressing and leads to feelings of guilt and shame, which in turn makes you want to punish yourself. So returns that powerful voice I so desperately wish to ignore, and the cycle begins again. 

[Acrylic Paint]

I like being good at things. Who doesn't, I suppose? 

During my life I have found myself to be 'good' at things that are both destructive and unhealthy....

This may seem like a really odd way of looking at things, but I believe that part of why I have found/am finding self harm so difficult to give up is because it is something I have become very 'good' at. I use the word good in inverted commas because self harm is by no means something I want to be good at, and so much of me is filled with guilt, shame and disappointment whenever I cut myself. Nevertheless, there is a very small  part of me that is almost congratulatory when I have self harmed to the point of needing medical attention because I have done a 'good' job. As terrifying as it is to admit this, over the last few months, I have only been satisfied if my wounds have been more serious than the ones before them, and having to have stitches has become some kind of achievement. I know how unhealthy these thoughts are and I desperately want to quieten the little voice in my head that tells me 'Well done' when I self harm. 

I would relate these feelings to feelings I experienced when I was suffering from anorexia, and in my opinion anorexia is another form of self harm. During that time losing weight was something that I was very good at, but the problem was I didn't  need to lose any weight. As every bit of food was avoided and every kilogram lost, I was overcome by a strong sense of achievement, but unfortunately with anorexia it doesn't matter how much weight you lose because it is never enough. 

Battling anorexia is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I did it. Yes, sometimes I can still hear that voice that tells me 'I need to lose weight' or 'You shouldn't eat that', but I am able to ignore them. 

There are times when I feel weak, but I know that I am strong and I WILL reach the point where I can ignore my urges to cut myself too. 

Would you do this to your clothes?

I know I wouldn't. However, I have spent the last 11 years doing exactly this to my body....
I think it is really hard for the people who love you to come to terms with the fact that you are able to harm your own body in such a way. How on earth can you explain a behaviour that you have accepted as being 'normal' to people who see it as something completely alien?

Talking openly about self harm, particularly to the people closest to you, can be extremely daunting. Up until a week ago nobody in my family knew about my most recent episode of self harm (the past 12 months or so) because I was too afraid to tell them. Too afraid to open up and let them in for fear that they would ask me questions that would make me feel uncomfortable, and that it would damage our relationship.
The situation I found myself in gave me no option to keep my self harm a secret any longer, and I told my Mum, the person I was most afraid of telling.
That may sound crazy but my relationship with my Mum is complicated. I feel very responsible for my Mum; her health, her well-being, her happiness. For most of my teenage years it was just her and I living together, which was really intense, and when she was diagnosed with cancer when I was 14 it felt like there was a complete role reversal. It was my responsibility to look after my Mum, and protect her from any further stress. So when things in my life became too much, and my mental health started to deteriorate, I kept it all inside and tried to deal with it on my own.
I suppose my need to deal with all my struggles alone never went away, which is why it was a massive step forward for me to have opened up to my Mum about my self harm. Over the last few months I have let my guard down and been much more open with people, and the results have been really positive.
Now some of my family know I do feel like a huge weight has lifted, and my recovery will be that much easier, but I still need to fight my tendency put walls up and just let my Mum be my Mum.

[Eyeliner]

I have to see my scars every time I get in the bath or shower, every time I get dressed or changed. Having to deal with your scars is one thing, having to deal with other peoples’ reactions and responses to your scars is another. I know that my scars don’t define or change the person that I am. I am still me and they are a part of me. I am in the process of learning to accept that. Whilst I am in control of my own feelings towards my scars, I cannot control what other people think or feel when then see my scars. I may be wrong about these opinions, due to my tendency to try and read peoples’ minds, but I am so afraid of people staring at me or the comments or questions I might get when people see my scars. As far as I am concerned, the cause of my scars is obvious and I can’t pretend that they are something else, even though I would love to. Part of me would love to pretend that my scars aren’t there…..Go out wearing a bikini with my arms and legs out like any other 22 year old would, but unfortunately I cannot, because I don’t doubt that people WOULD look at me.  My friends at University have asked me, when the sun has come out, “why don’t you take your jumper off?”, and I have replied by saying I am cold, or any excuse to not to have to remove my outer layer. Anyway, I don’t want to have to lie about the reasons why I cannot dress for summer like everyone else can but I do fear that acceptance and understanding of self-harm is still poor, and I really hope to help it improve.

Reach out

[Nail varnish]

Don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it.

Things aren't always black and white

[Tippex and eyeliner]

I strongly believe that in order to overcome the mental health difficulties I have experienced for half of my life, I need to better understand the way I think. I have learnt a great deal in the past 9 months, and despite a few setbacks I do feel as though I am getting there. Being more aware of the way I think and how that influences my mood makes me feel much more in control which decreases the anxiety and helplessness I have felt in the past.

I am in the process of accepting that things are not always black and white. This is a very common thinking distortion, but one that can have a massive impact on your mood. 

I have always striven to be perfect, and when I have felt that I cannot do something to the best of my ability or do it 'perfectly' I have not done it at all. My black and white, all or nothing, thinking has in the past made me believe that if I am not perfect then I must be terrible. Thinking like this can make you feel inadequate, because nobody will ever be 'perfect'... whatever perfect is?

The Road is Long

It's been a while since I last posted on here and I'm sorry about that. To be honest, that has been because I have struggled a lot over the last few weeks and experienced a bit of a setback. Whilst part of me has really wanted to blog about this more difficult period, I have avoided doing so out of guilt over the fact that I am keeping a blog about ways to recover from self-harm yet I have been unable to overcome my own urges to self-harm.

I have decided that I needn't feel that way and I should be sharing my entire journey. The setbacks and the steps forward. 

I am sure that individuals who self-harm/have self-harmed will relate when I say that you can feel like a failure when you self-harm after a long period of not doing it. I have felt that way myself in the past and it normal to feel that way, but I do think we should not be so hard on ourselves.
This post is not license to hurt yourself and then convince yourself that it's OK because it's just a minor setback. What I am trying to say is that the road to recovery from self-harm is a long one. Probably a slow one with lots of ups and downs too, but we can all get there and find a way to channel these urges into other things.
When you experience a setback, do not think that you have failed, you haven't. My advice would be to use it as motivation to keep fighting. That is what I am going to do.

[Nail varnish]

There is nothing glamorous about self-harm. I find it so difficult to find things to wear when I go out with my friends, things that are appropriate for a night out, but things that cover my scars. I am scared that this is going to get so much harder as it starts to get warmer. Come summer I am going to really struggle to dress in a way that covers my scars but doesn’t draw attention to the fact that I am trying to hide something. Even when I am around people who know about my self-harm and my scars, I do not want to parade around with them on show.

I often feel when I do go out, dressed like any other young woman I know, I am putting on a mask. Putting on a glamorous façade that conceals the sadness and pain I feel when I see my scars. Whilst it feels great to cover up my scars, pretend like they don't exist, and carry on like everybody else, I am so afraid of what people might think when the cover of glamour has gone and what's left is the reality of the damage I have caused to my body.

  

Self-harm: A silent addiction

[Biro]

[Nail varnish, paint, and marker pen]

One of the most difficult things to overcome when trying to recover from self-harm is the mind-set what does it matter? The damage is already done….

Scars can make you feel like damaged goods. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel that way some of the time, or even a lot of the time, but if you get into the habit of saying to yourself ‘It doesn’t matter if I cut or burn one more time because I am already covered in scars’ then what motivation will you ever have to stop? Yes, some damage is already done, but don’t let that be a reason for making the damage worse.

I look at my most recent scars and they do make me sad. Part of me thinks, ‘What would make somebody do that to themselves? That’s awful’ and I think these would be my thoughts if I saw scars on other people, but then again, self-harm has become so normal to me. Having to visit A & E to be pieced back together again does not strike me as a big deal, but if people who do not self-harm find out, they find it shocking. I think it is really important to challenge yourself when you start to feel like it is normal, or OK to self-harm, and in a way, receiving shocked reactions from people who do not self-harm is important and a helpful reminder that self-harm is not a healthy behaviour. 

Together we can...

[Wound dressings and nail varnish]

Just a little something to show my support for self-injury awareness day, which was yesterday.

There may only be one day dedicated to raising awareness about self-harm, but self-harm is a battle that many of us are fighting everyday and if we keep fighting we can break the silence of self-harm and stamp out the stigma that goes with it. 

[Eyeliner]

For a large part of my life I have felt the need to apologise for being the person that I am. I don't want to do that any more. I find myself apologising for no reason, assuming that I must have done something wrong all the time. The worry of what I might have done something to offend someone or annoy someone plays on my mind and it consumes so much time and energy. 

I was recently asked what I wanted to achieve from meeting with my local mental health services...

I think that being happy with who I am and not needing to apologise for being myself is a good place to start. 

[Nail varnish and biro]

Firstly, I hope that neither this image, or any other photographs on this blog are triggering to anybody. If they are, I can only apologise since the purpose of this blog is for me to support myself, and hopefully support others on their journey to recovery too. 

Some of the images that come up on google when you search self-harm are incredibly shocking, and I can absolutely see why those images might trigger people to cut themselves. I find the amount of pro self-harm websites there are on the internet deeply upsetting. Sites where people can ask for advice as to what implements to use to cut themselves!?

In my opinion, that simply adds to the misunderstanding of people who suffer from self-harm. Indeed, it is a coping mechanism, but it's not a healthy one and not one I believe should be advocated. 

I really hope that people continue to show interest in this blog so that some day soon, when people search self-harm on google a more positive array of images will feature much higher on the list. Images like the ones I have created for this blog that will hopefully show people that there are alternatives to self-harm. 

[Eyeshadow]

When you feel overcome by incredibly strong urges to self-harm there are no limits as to where you will or won't cut. If it's a part of your body you can reach, it's a part of your body you can cut. 

That was my mentality. I have scars all over my body, in places people might consider strange, including my chest.

[Nail varnish and eye liner]

[Marker pen]

This is what I feel like doing. But at least this washes off. 

Inside I'm screaming...

 [Eyeliner]

Often when I get the urge to self-harm one half of my brain is saying 'Yes, do it!' whilst the other half is trying to persuade me not to. This inner conflict is a really unpleasant experience that uses so much of your energy. There will be times when we succeed in overcoming the negative impulses and times when we do not.
When I am feeling vulnerable, although I don't vocalise it, I am screaming out for somebody to help me, but unfortunately there may be times when there isn't anyone around to help you. This is why it is so important to learn how to save yourself from yourself.
I'm still learning.

I have always been so secretive about my self-harm but, although this blog is anonymous, I cannot express how liberating it feels to publicly share my story, my journey, my artwork. Starting this blog is one of the best decisions I have ever made and the blog is a way of helping me come to terms with my own experiences and develop less destructive coping strategies. But, not only that. Seeing how many people have shown an interest in the blog has given me a massive confidence boost, which I really needed, so I really hope that the blog is proving to be a source of comfort for others as well as myself.

[Eyeshadow]

Living with scars caused by self-harm can make you feel like you are branded, but I think it is important to say to yourself that if you are going to brand yourself as something, brand yourself as a survivor. 

[Masking tape and marker pen]

Whilst trying to recover from self-harm you might experience set backs, that is only normal. However, do not be disheartened and never give up!

[Acrylic Paint]

I really hope to raise awareness about self-harm.

[Acrylic Paint]

[Eyeliner]

I first self-harmed when I was 11 years old. I can remember the occasion well. To be honest, I don’t think I would have thought to self-harm had I not have seen it on television. Around the time I first cut myself I remember there was a storyline on a popular TV programme about a teenage girl who self-harmed, by cutting her wrists. I think that is where I got the idea from.  I must have thought that, somehow, cutting myself would make me feel better. The first time I cut, I cut across my wrist using a pair of nail scissors, and the cut was more of a scratch. I cannot remember whether or not it made me feel better, I just remember being really secretive about what I had done. Looking back, and having a much deeper understanding of self-harm, I would say it was my way of screaming out about how I was feeling. I think I just wanted somebody to ask me "Are you OK?", but nobody did. I wasn’t OK, but I saw no other way to express how distressed I was feeling inside. Nobody ever knew that I self-harmed until 4 years later.

It is hard to believe that 10 years ago I was simply marking my body with a scratch, a scratch so small it would be gone after a matter of days, and nobody would ever know it had been there, when I think about the damage I have caused to my body over the last 9 months.

That is the sad reality; your self-harm will get worse if you don’t try to fight it. For so long I tried to fight my problem with self-harm alone, and not burden anybody else with my problems, but you don’t have to do that. Whilst it is down to you to make a firm choice to stop self-harming there will be many people who want to help you along the way. 

[Eyeliner]

It’s my fault.

I have said this to myself so many times, when I really shouldn’t have. I think when you have low self-esteem it is in your nature to feel like you are to blame for everything.  I have felt guilt for things that have happened in my past that I am not to blame for. It is hard for me to write this, let alone accept it, but I think it is an important realisation to have, that sometimes things may happen that are out of your control.

Losing control is something that really frightens me. I have been in situations in which somebody else has been in control, and free to do what they want, whilst I have been powerless. I think I have self-harmed in response to these situations, as some kind of punishment because I should have been strong enough to take control of a situation I did not want to be in.

Being taken advantage of in situations in which you were vulnerable is NOT your fault. I am forever trying to come to terms with that, and the fact that sometimes things happen that are out of your control. 

[Eyeliner]

People who are uneducated about self-harm, or who just don't understand, quite often expect you to live up to the stereotype they hold about what sort of person would be a self-harmer. I remember when I was at school and most peoples' belief was that only people who dressed a certain way would self-harm. I think they  used to refer to these types of people as 'emos'. A label which defined such individuals' dress sense and state of mind. 

Even now people still make jokey comments like 'Oh, why don't I just go and slit my wrists now?!' when they are feeling upset. I used to find these comments really hard to hear, and it does still upset me that people know so little about self-harm but yet can be so judgemental. I have grown to accept that some people simply will never understand what makes people self-harm, and who self-harms and that we don't all fit this ridiculous stereotype. 

Self- harm is something that can affect males and females of all ages from all different backgrounds.