Probably My Biggest Fear...

[Acrylic paint and marker pen]

Last night I was drinking, alone. Drinking, drinking, drinking and getting progressively more drunk. My urges to self-harm tend to be much stronger when I am drunk. Although, I think the real reason for that is because when I drink I am out of control. I lose my inhibitions and my ability to be rationale about reasons not to cut myself decreases.

These urges were strong last night, really strong. I wanted to cut, I wanted to see blood. I wanted to feel blood running over my skin, but I didn't. Instead, I got a tube of red paint and smeared it all over my body, rubbing it into my skin. It felt cold. It was satisfying. I was in control and I could mark my body in whatever way I wanted to, but it wouldn't be damaging and it wouldn't be forever.