I have been told that there are 3 reasons why people self-harm:
- Pain
- Attention
- Visual representation of how you feel
I know I don’t self-harm to feel pain. Whenever I cut myself I feel numb, I don’t feel any pain. Not until afterwards anyway, but I have a very high pain threshold. I definitely don’t self-harm to get attention. I am a very private person and self-harm for me is a very private behaviour. I don’t cut myself where people can see, and I do everything I can to hide it. Only a handful of people know I still self-harm. People know that I used to self-harm, and they can see from the scars all over my body but it is not something people ask me about nor is it something I talk about, so attention is in no way a reason for me to cut myself. So that leaves the last reason- visual representation.
Whenever I cut myself, I like to take a photograph of the wounds at their worst. I am sorry if this sounds really strange, but somehow it helps. I am not even sure if I can explain why it helps, because sometimes seeing images of self-harm can be a trigger, but other times just seeing the wounds on my body is enough to make me feel like I don't have to do it again. I am a visual and artistic person in a lot of ways, so it makes sense to me to express myself visually and I guess that is what self-harm does. It says what you can't say with words. In my meeting yesterday my case worker said 'When you are feeling messed up in your head, you make a mess on your body' and as she said this, something in my head clicked. When I look at my wounds that are still healing, and the mass of raised purple scars I have on my thighs and hips, I do feel like a mess. I find them ugly and unattractive and I wonder how anyone would be able to see past this mess that I have made of my body. They make me feel sad. I wish they didn't look the way they do, and I hope that they fade fast, although I know that is unlikely. However, I feel differently about the scars I have on my arms, and other parts of my body. These scars are much older, most of them about 5/6 years old. For a long time I was ashamed of these scars and very conscious of how people would react to them. I would always wear clothes that covered them up. It took me a long time to conquer these feelings and only in the last couple of years have I truly been comfortable with having my arms on show. My attitude towards these scars has really changed now. After my meeting yesterday I want to embrace my scars because they are a part of me, and each and everyone one of them represents a part of my life and tells a story. I am not in any way advocating self-harm nor legitimising it by suggesting that it is an expression of your feelings, but self-harm is my way of documenting my life. Each scar means something to me and reminds me of what I have overcome because I am still here. Which amazes me sometimes.
What I have learnt in these past 30 odd hours is that there are other ways of visually representing my feelings on my body. I don't have to mark myself permanently any more by cutting myself. It was suggested to me that instead of cutting I try drawing and writing on my body instead. I can use red pen if I want something that resembles blood. I could use paint. I could write those negative words that go around in my head, I could write a diary entry. There are so many possibilities and ways that I could express my feelings visually. My body is my canvas and this is my project. I hope that I have found a way to recover from self-harm, for good. The purpose of this blog is for me to document the images I make, and my journey to recovery.
No comments:
Post a Comment