[Acrylic Paint]

I like being good at things. Who doesn't, I suppose? 

During my life I have found myself to be 'good' at things that are both destructive and unhealthy....

This may seem like a really odd way of looking at things, but I believe that part of why I have found/am finding self harm so difficult to give up is because it is something I have become very 'good' at. I use the word good in inverted commas because self harm is by no means something I want to be good at, and so much of me is filled with guilt, shame and disappointment whenever I cut myself. Nevertheless, there is a very small  part of me that is almost congratulatory when I have self harmed to the point of needing medical attention because I have done a 'good' job. As terrifying as it is to admit this, over the last few months, I have only been satisfied if my wounds have been more serious than the ones before them, and having to have stitches has become some kind of achievement. I know how unhealthy these thoughts are and I desperately want to quieten the little voice in my head that tells me 'Well done' when I self harm. 

I would relate these feelings to feelings I experienced when I was suffering from anorexia, and in my opinion anorexia is another form of self harm. During that time losing weight was something that I was very good at, but the problem was I didn't  need to lose any weight. As every bit of food was avoided and every kilogram lost, I was overcome by a strong sense of achievement, but unfortunately with anorexia it doesn't matter how much weight you lose because it is never enough. 

Battling anorexia is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I did it. Yes, sometimes I can still hear that voice that tells me 'I need to lose weight' or 'You shouldn't eat that', but I am able to ignore them. 

There are times when I feel weak, but I know that I am strong and I WILL reach the point where I can ignore my urges to cut myself too.