[Acrylic Paint]

I like being good at things. Who doesn't, I suppose? 

During my life I have found myself to be 'good' at things that are both destructive and unhealthy....

This may seem like a really odd way of looking at things, but I believe that part of why I have found/am finding self harm so difficult to give up is because it is something I have become very 'good' at. I use the word good in inverted commas because self harm is by no means something I want to be good at, and so much of me is filled with guilt, shame and disappointment whenever I cut myself. Nevertheless, there is a very small  part of me that is almost congratulatory when I have self harmed to the point of needing medical attention because I have done a 'good' job. As terrifying as it is to admit this, over the last few months, I have only been satisfied if my wounds have been more serious than the ones before them, and having to have stitches has become some kind of achievement. I know how unhealthy these thoughts are and I desperately want to quieten the little voice in my head that tells me 'Well done' when I self harm. 

I would relate these feelings to feelings I experienced when I was suffering from anorexia, and in my opinion anorexia is another form of self harm. During that time losing weight was something that I was very good at, but the problem was I didn't  need to lose any weight. As every bit of food was avoided and every kilogram lost, I was overcome by a strong sense of achievement, but unfortunately with anorexia it doesn't matter how much weight you lose because it is never enough. 

Battling anorexia is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I did it. Yes, sometimes I can still hear that voice that tells me 'I need to lose weight' or 'You shouldn't eat that', but I am able to ignore them. 

There are times when I feel weak, but I know that I am strong and I WILL reach the point where I can ignore my urges to cut myself too. 

Would you do this to your clothes?

I know I wouldn't. However, I have spent the last 11 years doing exactly this to my body....
I think it is really hard for the people who love you to come to terms with the fact that you are able to harm your own body in such a way. How on earth can you explain a behaviour that you have accepted as being 'normal' to people who see it as something completely alien?

Talking openly about self harm, particularly to the people closest to you, can be extremely daunting. Up until a week ago nobody in my family knew about my most recent episode of self harm (the past 12 months or so) because I was too afraid to tell them. Too afraid to open up and let them in for fear that they would ask me questions that would make me feel uncomfortable, and that it would damage our relationship.
The situation I found myself in gave me no option to keep my self harm a secret any longer, and I told my Mum, the person I was most afraid of telling.
That may sound crazy but my relationship with my Mum is complicated. I feel very responsible for my Mum; her health, her well-being, her happiness. For most of my teenage years it was just her and I living together, which was really intense, and when she was diagnosed with cancer when I was 14 it felt like there was a complete role reversal. It was my responsibility to look after my Mum, and protect her from any further stress. So when things in my life became too much, and my mental health started to deteriorate, I kept it all inside and tried to deal with it on my own.
I suppose my need to deal with all my struggles alone never went away, which is why it was a massive step forward for me to have opened up to my Mum about my self harm. Over the last few months I have let my guard down and been much more open with people, and the results have been really positive.
Now some of my family know I do feel like a huge weight has lifted, and my recovery will be that much easier, but I still need to fight my tendency put walls up and just let my Mum be my Mum.

[Eyeliner]

I have to see my scars every time I get in the bath or shower, every time I get dressed or changed. Having to deal with your scars is one thing, having to deal with other peoples’ reactions and responses to your scars is another. I know that my scars don’t define or change the person that I am. I am still me and they are a part of me. I am in the process of learning to accept that. Whilst I am in control of my own feelings towards my scars, I cannot control what other people think or feel when then see my scars. I may be wrong about these opinions, due to my tendency to try and read peoples’ minds, but I am so afraid of people staring at me or the comments or questions I might get when people see my scars. As far as I am concerned, the cause of my scars is obvious and I can’t pretend that they are something else, even though I would love to. Part of me would love to pretend that my scars aren’t there…..Go out wearing a bikini with my arms and legs out like any other 22 year old would, but unfortunately I cannot, because I don’t doubt that people WOULD look at me.  My friends at University have asked me, when the sun has come out, “why don’t you take your jumper off?”, and I have replied by saying I am cold, or any excuse to not to have to remove my outer layer. Anyway, I don’t want to have to lie about the reasons why I cannot dress for summer like everyone else can but I do fear that acceptance and understanding of self-harm is still poor, and I really hope to help it improve.

Reach out

[Nail varnish]

Don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it.

Things aren't always black and white

[Tippex and eyeliner]

I strongly believe that in order to overcome the mental health difficulties I have experienced for half of my life, I need to better understand the way I think. I have learnt a great deal in the past 9 months, and despite a few setbacks I do feel as though I am getting there. Being more aware of the way I think and how that influences my mood makes me feel much more in control which decreases the anxiety and helplessness I have felt in the past.

I am in the process of accepting that things are not always black and white. This is a very common thinking distortion, but one that can have a massive impact on your mood. 

I have always striven to be perfect, and when I have felt that I cannot do something to the best of my ability or do it 'perfectly' I have not done it at all. My black and white, all or nothing, thinking has in the past made me believe that if I am not perfect then I must be terrible. Thinking like this can make you feel inadequate, because nobody will ever be 'perfect'... whatever perfect is?

The Road is Long

It's been a while since I last posted on here and I'm sorry about that. To be honest, that has been because I have struggled a lot over the last few weeks and experienced a bit of a setback. Whilst part of me has really wanted to blog about this more difficult period, I have avoided doing so out of guilt over the fact that I am keeping a blog about ways to recover from self-harm yet I have been unable to overcome my own urges to self-harm.

I have decided that I needn't feel that way and I should be sharing my entire journey. The setbacks and the steps forward. 

I am sure that individuals who self-harm/have self-harmed will relate when I say that you can feel like a failure when you self-harm after a long period of not doing it. I have felt that way myself in the past and it normal to feel that way, but I do think we should not be so hard on ourselves.
This post is not license to hurt yourself and then convince yourself that it's OK because it's just a minor setback. What I am trying to say is that the road to recovery from self-harm is a long one. Probably a slow one with lots of ups and downs too, but we can all get there and find a way to channel these urges into other things.
When you experience a setback, do not think that you have failed, you haven't. My advice would be to use it as motivation to keep fighting. That is what I am going to do.